One time my wife got in an argument, and the other party got so angry, he said, “I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire!”

My wife was disgusted and offended by the remark. But I told her there were at least four reasons not to worry.

  1. It was unlikely she would ever catch on fire.
  2. Even if she did, the guy probably wouldn’t be there.
  3. Even if he were, would she really want him to urinate on her?
  4. Even if she did want this, would a modest amount of urine be effective against fire?

Plus, wouldn’t that method of fire-extinguishing just make a bad situation worse? Great! First I catch fire, and then this asshole from five years ago shows up.

As long as the angry guy was making pronouncements, I told Aleen she should go back and lock up a wider promise — that he not piss on her ever, regardless of whether she was on fire.

Fletcher, from ‘Outlaw Josey Wales’

It reminded me of a line in the Clint Eastwood movie The Outlaw Josey Wales: “Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.”

I would simplify this directive even further. Don’t piss down my back at all. In fact, don’t piss on any part of me — head, torso, or extremities.

When my kids were little, I stopped playing hide-and-seek with them because every time I would find them, they would squeal with delight and panic, and then pee all over themselves and the living-room curtains.

Which leads me to yesterday.

I fed my dog. I took him to the park. I spent 25 minutes throwing a tennis ball for him and lavishing him with praise and attention.

When we were about to leave, he trotted across the park to the sunny rock where I had left my shirt and jacket, and, you guessed it, he sprayed them.


(Or as my brother’s friend in law enforcement once heard over the police radio, “What the fuck, over.”)

You don’t need to be the Dog Whisperer to realize there was something deeply uncool about this situation, something totally out of balance. Koyaanisqatsi, as the Hopi Indians supposedly used to say.

‘Koyaanisqatsi’ means ‘life out of balance’

A woman at the park tried to tell me it was an act of love, a way for Boomer to cement the already strong bond between us.

I told her the bond actually just got weaker.

Anyway, I had the feeling this lady was doing exactly what Fletcher cautioned against in Josey Wales. She was, well, you get the idea.

About Kit Troyer

Kit Troyer lives in Los Angeles. He worked previously as a newspaper reporter and a criminal defense attorney. For the last 15 years, he has been a stay-at-home dad. But that gig is running out. Kids will soon be moving out and moving on.
This entry was posted in THE ARMENIAN IN-LAWS. Bookmark the permalink.


  1. stefzad says:

    Can your dog toilet train my kids for me?

  2. claire says:

    you are hilarious, kit! awesome

  3. Gold #4 says:

    Reminds me of one of my favorite business analogy moments when a board member had lost patience with an executive’s short-sighted game plan. “That’s like pissing in your bed to keep warm.”

  4. Long as we’re quoting Mr. Wales, why not: “Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.”
    Or: “There is iron in your words of death for all Comanche to see, and so there is iron in your words of life.”
    I think either apply in your pissing match scenario.

  5. Great post. Like the photos too!

  6. Phil H. says:

    Kit, Love your writing. For a deeper elucidation, please see Freud, S. (1932), The Acquisition and Control of Fire, Standard Edition, 22:187-93.
    Phil H.

  7. Brooke Baker says:

    I’m still shocked that someone would say such a thing to your wife. So mean. Me no likey mean people. I’ll pee on him if she ever catches on fire. There.

  8. Joe Ditzler says:

    “I reckon so.”

  9. Sonia Keshishian says:

    Comments of that sort come from a place of lack . There is a saying my mom use to repeat all through my life . When you spit on him he thinks it’s rain in his case piss . Meant for people like the one you described . Sounds better in Armenian ask our Cecibeau .Always eloquent and flawless in your writing . Bachigs 👍👍👏👏👏👏

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